Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Brain Farts

  • How many times have you left your "doggy bag" on the restaurant table?
  • Sometimes I grab the toothpaste from the medicine cabinet when I really mean to get my razor. Crest does not give a very close shave.
  • I'm hoping that I don't grab the razor instead of the toothbrush. Dangerous.
  • I often put something in a special place so I won't lose it or forget it. I usually find it about three years later. Found my Social Security card about 10 years later, by accident. 
  • I went for a long walk the other morning with intentions of stopping somewhere for lunch. Unfortunately, I didn't take any money or credit cards. Wound up walking about six miles. Came home hungry.
  • I had a classic brain fart today. Unfortunately, I can't remember it now. Does forgetting a brain fart qualify as another brain fart?
  • When your phone's autocorrect makes a wrong assumption is that a phone phart?
  • At least on occasion we all forget what we ate for lunch. Today I forgot if I even had lunch.
  • Embarrassing. I put on a pair of boxers in the dark. I later thought that I had ripped out the backside or maybe blown it out with a real nuclear fart. I was about to throw them away until I realized that the fly was in the back and the seat was fully intact. No harm, no foul. I was home alone. 
  • I have lived in this place for about 10 years. The light switch for the main kitchen light has always been on the hall wall outside the kitchen. Yet, even though I turn that light on at least a dozen times a day, I sometimes reach for the switch on the wall inside the kitchen.  
  • I often get up from reading or watching TV to go to the kitchen. I usually take off my reading glasses when I do. I soon realize that I need my glasses in the kitchen to perform many tasks. 
  • Most mornings I have a large mug of tea. Today I put the tea bag in the mug, filled it with tap water and took it right to the living room. Back to the microwave for a little brewing time.
  • In a related fart, I once put honey and a teabag into the mug then almost put it in the fridge. Decided adding water and using the microwave might be a better option.
  • I come by this behavior naturally. My dad, when he lived with me in his later years, once put the milk carton in the cupboard and the cereal box in the fridge. He was in his 90's at the time. I don't have that excuse (yet).
  • The other night when my phone made the text message tone, I put the TV on mute so I could "hear" the text. Someday I'll learn the difference between the text and call tones which are nowhere near the same.
  • When preparing jalapenos or other hot peppers, never rub your eyes. More importantly, never touch certain other body parts, yours or someone else's, before a thorough hand washing.
  • While watching a movie or program that I recorded or on-demand I often check my watch to see how much longer it will run. Of course I have no idea what time I started it or maybe how long it is.
  • Went to go to bed only to realize that the bed wasn't made and the sheets were in the dryer. Seems I do this quite often. 
  • Had a football game on the TV and one on the PC. Was watching the TV but listening to the PC. Wondered what the hell the idiot announcers were talking about. Guess who the idiot is.
  • There is no need to take your dirty dishes with you to the bathroom. Especially when you have to pass by the kitchen on the way. Different rooms, different purposes.
  • Was looking for something in the fridge. I had to move an item to get to the spot where I thought the item was. Nope, not there, guess I need to put it on the grocery list. It was then that I noticed that the item I moved and still had in my hand was what I was looking for.
  • More often than I would like to admit I have put my cell phone holster/case on my belt and walked out with the phone still in the house.  
  • I recently discovered that if you turn on the wrong burner on the stove it takes forever for the food to cook or heat up.
  • Had to pee the other day and walked into the kitchen. Although there is plumbing in that room I realized that the one fixture I needed was missing. Caught my mistake, no harm, no foul, no mess.
  • Wondered why I didn't get any calls, texts or audio alerts on my phone one day. Seems I set it to silent mode at the movies the night before and forgot to undo that for about 20 hours. 
  • Couldn't find my phone the other day. Looked in every room only to realize it was in my pocket.
  • I'm slowly realizing that if you don't hit start on the kitchen timer it will not beep or ding when time has expired. 

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